New Management

Jesus hated having Sunday brunches with his dad. Who invites their son for a brunch on a Sunday? He didn’t want to sound sexist here, but isn’t that what married women going through a midlife crisis did? But what could he do, he couldn’t defy God after all. Actually he could, but then he’d have to spend the rest of his life in eternal damnation and that was such a drag. And after all, he could suffer though 1 hour with his dad if it meant God left him alone for the rest of the week.

“So, son, how is it going down there, among those, umm what do you call them, Humans?” said God.

“Oh come on Dad you’ve said one line since we started having this ‘Brunch’ and you’ve already said the H word. It’s not cool you know, they’re beings too.”

“Whatever” God grumbled, “so what’s the politically correct term for those beings?”

“People Dad. Just call them People, like the rest of us. Gosh, keep up with the times. They’re the same as the rest of us.”

“No they are not! I would know, because I made them! Can they fly like the rest of us? Can they create and destroy matter like the Angels? Can they read other’s minds? No! Stop with this hippie progressive bullshit. Humans and Angels are different. And yes I’ll drop all the H-bombs I want because that’s their fucking name. I’ll drop as many H-bombs I want. I’ll fucking create 2 cities with preposterous names like Nagasaki and Hiroshima and I’ll drop H-bombs all over them. I’ll drop all the H-bombs I fucking want. And you know why? BECAUSE I FUCKING NAMED THEM WHEN I CREATED THEM! I NAMED EVERYTHING BECAUSE, THAT’S RIGHT, I CREATED EVERYTHING.”

“Ugh” was the only reply Jesus could manage.

“Now listen,” continued God “it’s a nice day, we’re eating nice food, so let’s just stop arguing over unpleasant topics, OK? Anyways, I have news for you.”

“What? Are you finally going to tell me what you did to Mom?”

“Oh come on stop with the mom bullshit. Isn’t making you the saviour of mankind enough to compensate for the absence of a mother? Anyways, you know I’ve gotten bored as fuck running this whole earth and heaven and hell thing that I created right?”

“Vaguely yes” replied Jesus testily.

“So I was thinking what to do about it. First I thought I’ll kill everybody but then I realized I’d never hear the end of it from you. So I finally figured out what to do?”

“What?”

“I’ve hired a management company to run all this for me. So we’re under new management!”
 

Peter was a mid level manager with 0 interest in anything. He had been assigned the unenviable task of cleaning up the Hell branch. He was supposed to make the office more efficient and increase productivity with his Six Sigma skills. He was grilling Satan/Lucifer about some of the managerial practices that he had seen around the office.

“So you’re telling me that you don’t kill anybody here? You just torture them for thousands and thousands of years.”

“Not just thousands of years, but eons!” Satan growled as his staff sot flames all over the roof.

“Yeah I’m gonna have to tell you to keep the staff away. It’s burnt up most of your office and has killed 3 of our managers.”

Peter studied the inspection report in front of him for some time. “See the problem is you just have people coming into the place and nobody leaving. It makes no sense to just keep adding people and torturing them for the rest of eternity. People take up space and office space is very expensive. Do you want to start working out of our Mira Road office? No right? I thought so.”

“I don’t just torture them for the rest of eternity, but eons and lifetimes and-”

“Yeah I get that, but you need to fix a certain amount of punishment period and then kill them or something. The rent on this place is too much and expansion is the last thing that should be on your mind. We need to consolidate and synergize. Another thing, I see that there’s an R&D department that’s draining almost half our annual budget. What does it do?”

“No we are not touching the R&D department. They work directly under me and come up with new and inventive ways to torture people.”

“Yeah we’ll need to shut the department down. You already have literally thousands of ways of killing and torturing people and like I said, consolidation before expansion.”

Satan just sat there grumpily and burned one of Peter’s colleagues with his staff to show his displeasure at the decision.

 

“So you just have 2 people guarding the gates of The Purgatory and they aren’t even proper Angels?”

Todd was exasperated. He had expected things to be be bad but he wasn’t expecting the shitshow he was currently seeing. This project would need a lot of time and effort.

“Umm yeah. It’s just me and Gynae.”

“So who runs the place?”

“Nobody. We had a guy a long time back but then The Purgatory got famous and people already knew what to expect when they came here so the place sort of runs itself.”

“Ok,” said Todd taking a deep breath, “where do you guys keep your documents and files? I’d like to go over the books once.”

“Yeah we don’t really keep any files here. Oh there was a guy around 500 years back called Dante Alighieri who had come here for some research on a book he was writing. Apparently he was sure that his book would be a New York Times Bestseller, whatever that it.”

“Ok. So what kind of a criteria do you use to figure out who goes to hell and who goes to heaven?”

“Umm we don’t, because everybody goes to heaven?”

“I apologize for asking this, but are you fucking with me? No tell me- are you fucking with me? Are you telling me that everybody goes to heaven? Then what the fuck is the purpose of this place? Why not send them to heaven directly if they’re going to end up there anyways?”

“To absolve them of their sins and to make them learn the virtue of-”

“OH SHUT THE FUCK UP” bellowed Todd.

 

“So God listen- I know you didn’t want to work anymore and that’s why you hired us to do your job for you, but we need to keep you in an honorary position to make our position look strong” said Andrew, the CEO of Anderson Management, the company God had hired.

“What the fuck are you talking about? I run this whole universe, I don’t give a fuck what anyone else feels.”

“Be that as it may, it would be wise if you agreed to be our President and guardian of Heaven. It’s a cushy 9-5 desk job at our best office and you don’t even have to do actual work.”

“Ugh fine. What else?”

“Well we took a little feedback from all the 12 billion people living here and we got some common complaints. The first one was that everybody is, and I am quoting here, bored the fuck out of their minds. They complain that Heaven isn’t as great as it was advertised to them and their is are discontent.”

“These people. All they do is complain the whole day. So I was supposed to make a beautiful, wonderful world that these people fucked up and then make another, more awesome one for after? Get the fuck outta here.”

“Well we need to meet them halfway here. The management and the unions need to work hand in hand and it would garner us a lot of support if we built them a recreation center.”

“And how much is that going to cost?”

“Umm, pardon me for asking this, but what do you care, can’t you just clap your hands and make it appear?”

“But that’s not the point. These people need to learn the value of money. They need to earn the recreation center. They need to learn the value of money. If I gave them everything they wanted, they’d become spoilt bitches.”

“God help us” Andrew murmured under his breath.

“I heard that and I ain’t helping you pal” said God as he walked away.

 

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