I’m a guy. Unfortunately for those of you thinking “pics or GTFO,” you have only my word to go on.
So since I am a guy, I have a problem expressing my emotions. And I don’t mean this in a “Oh I’m so tough I don’t cry after watching an emotional movie” way. I mean I’m not particularly adept at dealing with much more simpler and basic emotions. And this has got nothing to do with expressing love. Actually, it is related to my inability to express love for people that I do love but that is only one part of it. Yes, I should tell my mother that I love her more often, but that is something that she probably already knows. So even if I don’t say it (which I should), it is not exactly a deal breaker. It is much harder to express exasperation, disappointment, pride etc. See, I can’t even express myself properly right now
I have a theory that people behave differently in groups than how they behave normally. For example, A talks separately with B and C and tells them both that he is having writer’s block. Now B and C might separately comfort him and be sympathetic (which I think is most people’s natural response), but in a group they will probably make fun of him and crack non-funny jokes about it. Thus group interactions are always much more trickier to analyze. What I take away from all this is that it is not wise to judge a person based on how he/she behaves in a group. Until you get to talk to somebody one on one, it is hard to get to know them properly. And you also never really know a person. You know what you think of him/her and you can probably guess what the other person wants you to think about them. But you never really know another person because you never really know yourself. Yes, maybe you can predict how the other person reacts to something, but then again, you never know the reason for that response. I sound so fucking pretentious right now and I don’t like it.
I have been having a pretty weird week. I had some sleep troubles. College has been very easy- almost too easy in fact. I have one class a day and that gets over by 1. Placements have started and I sometimes sit for placements because I find the grind of placements exciting. It’s not like I don’t want a job, but ever since I did my internship last summer, I have decided to go for higher studies and postpone stepping into the “real” world as long as possible. And I actually had a pretty awesome internship. I had a very chill supervisor/boss, the office was a 5 minute walk from my office, timings were pretty flexible, the work was interesting and I had a nice desk in a nice spot to myself. For a fresher, I probably couldn’t have asked for more but I still am not ready to start working yet. I will have to some day. But not now hopefully.
I think the perfect word to describe my life right now would be “Ennui.” It’s like a vast stretch of oddly unsatisfying nothingness. I plan to pursue an MS in US and I have applied to some universities. Right now, I am just waiting for their response. Fortunately due to a combination of moderate work ethic and blind luck, I got a good score in my GRE exam (170 in quant and 162 in verbal for a total of 332 out of 340), so I hope I can get a good college. I am extremely proud of my GRE score and it is probably the only thing I boast about. Anyways, I hope I get accepted by a good college so that I can look forward to something.
It’s ok though. I am a very positive and optimistic person (I think). I have a vague belief that everything eventually works out. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I also have trust in myself. Ultimately, self pity and self loathing can’t take you anywhere.
I hate pretentious stuff (books, shows, opera, “arty” movies etc). I haven’t read Albert Camus but I don’t think I’d like it. I know it’s pretty foolish of me to say that but I’m like SNL- I am acutely aware of my shortcomings but I just shrug them off. I haven’t read a book in a long time. I just don’t enjoy reading them anymore. I have instead fallen in love with long form journalism and become a huge fan of it. I have a respectable collection of articles and I will probably do a post in the future about them. I also started listening to this podcast called Serial. It is addictive as fuck. Me thinks, I might do a post about that too. I also saw Birdman. It’s awesome. Edward Norton has done probably some of his best work in the movie.
Here’s a free Yo Mama joke to relieve the depression- Yo mama is so fat that when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND the house.