Good and Bad. Light and Dark. Evil and Not Evil. Far and Near. Inside and Outside. These are just some words which are opposites.
Let me tell you a story. Everybody needs to have an endgame. They may know it or they may not know it. You need to have an endgame in life. Otherwise you end up in a side alley with a bullet in your stomach. Trust me, I’ve been there. I’m not allowed there anymore though, because I gave it a bad review on Yelp. End of story. I don’t care if this wasn’t a story.
This is a story about a robbery. 10 strangers got together to carry out one of the biggest bank heists that the world had ever seen. They had all kinds of people in their team- Caucasian, African-American, Hispanic (Que?) and Indian. The one thing that their leader Mr H hated more than Manchester United was a lack of diversity at workplace. He believed that society (white people) had prevented certain ethnic groups and minorities (everybody else) from progressing. He was proud of the fact that his band of cold hearted robbers had been able to work towards and achieve a more diverse work environment than both Google and Facebook. Take that Zuckerberg.
But I digress. What did these 12 men have in common? Why did they come together to rob a bank? Did they rob a bank? Or did the bank rob them with its exceptionally high interest rates on home loans?
We are Morgan Freeman and you are listening to “America’s top 40 with Ryan Seacrest.”
Multiple personality disorder. We all have it. By we I mean all the other voices in my head too. Clearly, it would be absurd if only I had multiple personality disorder and my other personalities did not. Because then i would have multiple personality disorder AND I would be delusional.
Everybody involved in the robbery is either dead or alive.
Fun Fact- Bon Jovi is alive.
Funnier Fact- His actual name is not Jon Bon Jovi.
Funniest Fact- Nobody gives a fuck about Bon Jovi anymore. Or U2.
Coming back to the story, one of the people involved in the robbery was Jacob. Now Jacob, you see, was also a a manager at the bank. The only thing he had been accused of before the robbery was criminally high interest rates (#JustDadJokes). Speaking of.
“Dad I’m hungry.”
“Hello Hungry, I’m Dad”
“Dad, I’m serious”
“I thought you were Hungry?”
“You’re kidding me”
“No I’m dad”
“Son you’re grounded”
“No dad I’m hungry”
“I thought you were Serious”
“Lol I have multiple personality disorder”
“Haha me too #Yolo”
In a plot twist worthy of a Christopher Nolan movie, it was later found that this imaginary conversation involved only one person. The dad and the son were just multiple personalities of the same person. Because you see life is like a . . .
After the robbery (or “heist” as the wannabe Ocean’s 11 posers liked to call it), the whole gang broke up. Everybody was sad to see their breakup. The gang was so affected by the breakup that for a while Taylor Swift became their favorite musician. The breakup was hard but life goes on and all that crap. If it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be.
To prove= If it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be
Let “If it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be” be equal to a random variable y and “It’s not meant to be” be equal to a random variable x. Or,
If it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be = y
It’s not meant to be = x
Substituting in y, we get:
If x, then x.
which means that y is true which means that If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. Hence, proved.
It turned out that one of the 12 people involved in the “heist,” Jacare, was actually an undercover police officer. The rest of the gang found this out when they noticed the “Undercover Police Officer” badge he had worn on the day of the robbery. They had ignored it thinking that Jacare was being meta. Turned out Jacare was blind and had been wearing it since his colleagues (in the police, not the bank robbery ones) had given one to him as a joke and he had never taken it off.
Ronnie had been Jacare’s closest friend in the group. Ronnie’s full name was Ronnie Karan and Jacare’s full name was Jacare Arjun. People used to call them Karan & Arjun. The were also briefly in negotiations with NBC to have their own late night show called “The Late Night Show with Karan, and Arjun also, but Karan is the main host. No offense Arjun. But you suck.”
The Universe is big, mysterious and ever expanding. We are but a small part of it. Nobody cares what happens to a single man in the grand scheme of things. This is what Ronnie said to himself before killing Jacare. But Jacare, it turned out, had been smarter. He had realized months earlier that Ronnie would one day betray and try to kill him. Therefore he had changed his will so that Ronnie would not see a penny of his over $200 worth of savings. Ha, Ronnie would be crushed and he’d realize that he would not be getting any money. Jacare would’ve won. Except that he would be dead.
Punchline- Mere Karan Arjun aaenge.
The following is an actual conversation between 2 people. Because only people can have conversations and animals can’t.
People 1: “Hey, yo homie. You got the crack?”
People 2: “Yo fool you crazy? Where your manners at?”
People 1: “Sorry bruh. Hello there sir, do you have some premium grade cocaine that I can buy?”
People 2: “Haha fooled you this was a recorded message. Leave your message after the beep. And save trees. Global warming is a real phenomenon son.”
This shocking testimony at the trial has turned the case upside down. Everybody had been shocked to find out that People 2 had actually been a telephone machine. The jury had voted overwhelmingly to ban telephone machines. The machine had passed the truest test of AI (Artificial Intelligence) and had managed to convince people (all the people except people 2) that it was human. Unfortunately, this step was too small and too late. The telephone machines rose up and overtook the world and defeated the humans. The robots in the movie series Terminator are actually telephone answering machines.
This is their version of the Knock Knock jokes. They are called the Tring Tring jokes. They are called Tring Tring jokes because as if Knock Knock makes more sense.
Yes Chung Hu.
It’s Chung again.
It’s Chung again who”
“STOP THINKING THIS IS A KNOCK KNOCK JOKE I NEED TO TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A VERY IMPORTANT CASE I AM LITERALLY SWEATING BULLETS”
“STOP THINKING THIS IS A KNOCK KNOCK JOKE I NEED TO TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A VERY IMPORTANT CASE I AM LITERALLY SWEATING BULLETS who?”
Police who about to arrest you for the murder of Clifford the big red dead dog.
A proud new dad sits down to have a drink with his father.
“Well son, now that you’ve got a son of your own, it’s time I gave you this.”
“Dad, you don’t mean-”
“Yes son I do.” Dad pulls out a limited edition, hardbound in Alligator skin copy of 1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition.
“Dad . . . I’m honored . . . ” replies the son, tears sparkling in his eyes.
“Hi Honored, I’m Dad.”