The Adventures of Morgan Freeman

You see, murder doesn’t just happen. Its not a destination, its a journey. It is always planned, and not always consciously. The straw that broke the camel’s back. Something similar happened on January 13th, 2014. Except there were no camels involved. Or straws.

Everybody has a different recollection of the day. Its almost as if everybody is speaking the truth yet lying at the same time. It was the 30 year anniversary of Louis and Szekay’s (pronounced CK) marriage. All their friends and relatives were there. Even their son Jax, fresh out of his latest stint at a rehab center, was there to tell everybody how he was 127 hours clean, after which he would proceed to the bathroom to snort an enormous amount of cocaine.

As great aunt Sharnelle recalls “We were all having a great time. Everybody was enjoying themselves. But we all felt a sense of foreboding- as if a cold hand had gripped our souls. Later we found out that somebody had turned off the central heating.”

Their neighbour Bob says “No one knew why they did what they did. It didn’t make sense. They looked like the perfect couple. But then why would they do something like that? Why did they kill Clifford the big red dog?”

This is Morgan Freeman and you’re watching “The late night show with David Letterman.”

 

When asked to testify under oath, Rustin Cohle said “Life is like a flat circle” in a highly exaggerated southern drawl. This testimony was later thrown out when it was found that all circles are flat. What did Rustin Cohle mean when he said that? He proved to be an unreliable witness as 95% of his testimony consisted of the reply “Alright alright alright,” including when he was asked if he had indeed killed Clifford the big red dog. As his testimony was thrown out, the court concluded that he couldn’t have killed Clifford the big red dog, even though Rustin Cohle admitted to the fact that he was the killer. The case is still unsolved and the murderer is still unknown. But Rustin Cohle killed Clifford the big red dog. But the murderer is still unknown.

Another thing that the jury found interesting about the case was Jeff. Jeff was an undercover CIA agent sent to Mexico to kill El Clifford the big red dog, the mexican name for Clifford the big red dog. Jeff was there to try and contact a deep undercover agent named Swiper, who had been undercover since he was 12 years old. However that was not to be. As he described his harrowing account, he told that he and his partner were trapped by a guy only known as “The Mexican Wolverine.” Further details remain sketchy but there are rumours that 2 people named Dora and Diego were also involved.

It later turned out that what the jury was watching was actually a clip from 22 Jumpstreet. The jury was later found to have ingested copious amounts of LSD.

This is Dave Skylark and you’re watching Skylark Tonight.

 

But what does this have to do with the story of Louis and Szekay (pronounced CK)?

It turns out not everybody was telling the truth. Under harsh cross examination, parents of 9 year old Timmy admitted that they had lied to him and that Santa Claus didn’t exist. As news channels across the country flashed the news that Santa Claus was not real, another breakthrough witness emerged.

Santa Claus went on air and declared that “I am 100% real man, you know what I am saying? Its like, how could I be standing here if I didn’t exist, you feel me? Its not like I am the one who’s going around and telling people that I don’t exist. You’re the one who tried to prove that I didn’t exist. I always wondered, why do we exist? Maybe we are to a super species like bacteria is to us. We feel that a few seconds is a very small lifespan because we live for 70-80 years. But to a species of intelligent beings who live for millions of years, our lifespan is but a moment. Maybe our existence has no relevance for them. Maybe we are just flickers of light in their eyes, there one second, gone another. Just tiny particles of cosmic dust, bound together by some unnatural force, living, breathing, being. Or maybe Clifford couldn’t cope with the fame and killed himself like Kurt Cobain. We’ll never know what this is, till we take a look inside, I’m sure we’ll find what cameĀ before it dies.”

 

Dr Dre said “Nothing you idiot, Dr Dre’s dead, he’s locked in my basement haha.”

It was later revealed that it was actually a man known as Mr Slim L Shady who had said those words. In a search of his basement, Dr Dre was not found. However, the dead body of Clifford the big red dead dog was found.

 

The End.

 

All characters in the story are injurious to your health. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is also injurious to your health. Mutual Fund investments are injurious to your health. Please read the offer documents before investing because it might be injurious to your health.

 

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”

Jack Handey

 

“The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.”

Handey, Jack

 

“We are Groot”

Groot

 

My dad declined to comment.

 

 

 

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