Everything Sounds Cool and Epic in Morgan Freeman’s Voice

“It started out like a normal day” says Becky, a 78 year old stay-at-home ironsmith who was recently acquitted of manslaughter charges.

“I was just sitting on my porch with a cigarette in my hand and a shotgun across my lap when I saw a silver coloured Mercedes Benz SL65 AMG speeding down the road. I could see that it was going too fast, it wouldn’t be able to stop in time. I watched as the horror unfolded in front of my eyes. In my 2 months of living in that part of town I had never seen something like that happen. I still can’t believe that driver just broke the red light and sped past as if nothing had happened.”

My name is Morgan Freeman and you are reading “Everything sounds cool and epic in my voice.”

Life is a wonderful gift. But not all gifts are wonderful. My aunt Ida recently gifted me an orange sweater that is so bright that it would make the VLC media player logo blush. I hate it. I hate my aunt Ida too.

The universe is a giant melting pot of cosmic material. You add 3 parts of radiation, 2 part of cosmic dust, 2 parts of matter and 1 part of physicists saying “Interstellar is SOOOO overrated, its not even accurate” and you don’t get the universe. Of course that’s not how the Universe was made. If I knew how the Universe is made, would I be here? I would be patenting the formula, licensing the patent to Apple so that they could sell “clean, efficient, sleek; its the new iUniverse” at double its actual price and suing God for infringing my copyright.

I tried talking to Jay and this is what he had to say “My name is not Jay, stop calling me all the time, I don’t know what the hell you are talking about, next time you call me I’ll file a complaint against you.”

Why would the driver of that Mercedes break the red light? Did he not see the red light? Or was he colour blind and couldn’t make out that it was red? Or was it a case of “Ain’t nobody got time fo dat.”

From “This American Life” and WBEZ Chicago, this is Sarah Koenig and you are listening to “Serial.”

 

You see, religion is just an excuse for men to fight. Humans will always find something to fight about. If it wasn’t “Hey my god is better than yours” it would have been “hey my hair colour is blonde and you’re a ginger so you’re dumb.” Which is true.

In the US, people don’t fight so much about religion. But they still fight. There’s not much religious tension but there is racial tension. The recent events in Ferguson and the shooting of 2 cops in New York is testament to that. Race and religion are 2 of the main reasons people kill each other. But if not for that, humans would have found something else to fight about. If everybody was white, they would have fought about something else. If everybody was Buddhist, the would have fought about something else.

What I am trying to say is, life is like a flat circle.

 

The hunt for the driver of the Mercedes SL65 AMG became a national affair. Nobody had a clue where he/she was (the slash means that I don’t know what gender the person is, not that he/she was both a he and a she)(think of it like Schrodinger’s cat). He was placed on the FBI’s “Most Wanted Men” and GQ’s “Most Desirable Men” lists. Finally the owner, a 54 year old man, was found in a fortified compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan by a team of Navy SEALs and killed in a brief encounter.

The questions still remains- who was this man? Why did Osama Bin Laden jump the red light? Why is space black? What is the capital of Czech Republic? Who killed Michael Jackson?

 

“The thing is, I would feel ok if they said I was a jerk but I didn’t jump the red light, you know what I mean? I mean, I just want somebody to say that I am a crazy, mean, horrible guy but I didn’t jump the red light. I’m just so sick of it all. Think about it- why would I jump the red light when the light was green?”

That was a recording of the owner of the Mercedes found after his death. He speaks clearly and certainly believes that he did not break the red light. Things like these happen in life. Life is what happens when you’re busy making plans. John Lennon stole my quote. I said this to Yoko Ono one day and then the next thing I know, everybody is saying “Whoa man John Lennon is so cool and deep.” I am deep. I’m so deep that the Marina Trench looks like a shallow puddle next to me. I am so deep that the term “to be in deep trouble” was named after me (my name is Trouble). Actually my name is who, my name is what, my name is *chika chika* Slim Shady.

 

“To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.”

Jack Handey

 

“I feel like a tree, I feed the branches of other people”

Kanye West

 

“I am Groot”

Groot

 

“I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman”

Arnold Schwarzenegger

 

“Hasta la vista baby”

Arnold Schwarzenegger in T2 (the movie, not the airport terminal)

 

“Beta get me some water”

My dad

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