This is a long and tragic tale. Tragic because it is not long at all. It does not end happily for the protagonist and is a true story. Try to imagine that Morgan Freeman is the narrator and read it aloud in his voice. It is a tale about a girl named Mary. Mary was a normal 16 year old girl. Like all 16 year olds of her age, she loved dancing, the color pink and boys. I do not know a lot about 16 year old girls. If you do, please send me your details so I can forward them to the police and alert them about a suspected paedophile.
But I digress. Mary did like boys. She had a 19 year old boyfriend. Joseph. She believed he was the one, a ridiculous notion popularized by the sitcom “How I Met Your Mother” more colloquially known as HIMYM. But if Mary was like any other 16 year old girl, Joseph was like every other 19 boy. All he wanted, as noted poet Fred Durst would say, was the nookie. After a 6 month long “courtship” Mary finally agreed to do it. As it always is, their first time together was hurried, awkward and mightily disappointing. It would also change their lives. Well Mary’s in any case. Joseph lives a happy life with 2 adorable and irritating children and a faithful stay at home wife. 2 months after their first sexual encounter, Mary realized she was pregnant. She was terrified. This would change her life. She would get fat! People would gossip about her behind her back! She would have to wear stretch pants! And what if the baby was ugly! OMG! She had to say TTYL to her innocence.
She told her parents, expecting that they would be angry about it but would ultimately forgive her. Like I said earlier, this is not a fairytale. Ok maybe I didn’t say that but I did say that it is a tragic tale. Mary’s parents were incensed and threw her out of the house. She was terrified. Not knowing what to do, she went to Joseph’s house and told him and his parents everything. They reacted similarly, called her names and told her to leave and never contact Joseph again. Never one to give up, Mary asked Joseph “call me, maybe ?” as she stood on his front porch. We will never find out Joseph’s answer as his father slammed the door shut on Mary’s face before she could reply. Confused, disoriented, homeless and gaining weight everyday, Mary was about to give hope when she came across a church. It was a church for African Americans but what the hell. Racism could wait. As she stepped inside the church, she felt her sorrows reducing. She gained faith with every step she took towards the altar. She lowered her head as belief surged through her. She knew what to do. She had been lifted by god.
7 months later, she was lying in an overcrowded hospital that resembled a barn when the nurse came up to her and handed her the baby. “What will you name him ?” asked the nurse. This is not the Bible. This a true story. The baby was not named Jesus. She named him Sam.
Surprisingly, Sam grew up to be a decent student. He majored in English Honors in college. Like every English Honors student fresh out of college, Sam dreamed of writing cheesy dialogues for Michael Bay’s Transformers franchise. Unfortunately he could not write anything cheesy about honor and love and faith and other such qualities that Optimus prime values. He did write for 2 daytime soaps. Unsatisfied, he decided to write a movie script about his life which would star Channing Tatum as himself. And he wrote- “This is a long and tragic tale. It does not end happily. . .”
This is an open ending. Maybe I am Sam, maybe I am not. You will have to ask Morgan Freeman. Good luck trying to contact him.
I am Morgan Freeman. And fuck you.